180 degree of Changes in Myself.

Like usual, I started my day with a definitely good mood. I smiled to everyone I met and I had a good start on my work. The endless problems were still unsolved, sleeping quietly in emails. And yet, there came in another few problems to be solved. Problems started to swim into my mail box one by one, and my mood was getting down and down and down whenever there was an email fly in.

I was trying very hard to fix the problems and whose know, my problems have yet to be  solved and then I discovered something which was making my mood jumping from the peak of mountain to the bottom of it. Damn it! I just felt like scolding her, who screwed up my work. I was so so so angry anyway. A 5 years old little girl may somehow did the job better than her. She is really "Fxxking asshxxx"!

I was so pissed off because of her and she was definitely fuck up my day!
I finished up my work and went back with a definitely bad mood. I was so not into the mood to go training anymore and I was so upset all the way back from the office.

But guess what, something funny happened when I reached at the LRT station. I met up with one of my friend before went to the training. So I was like asking him "Hey, would you like to walk in UM or take the bus instead?" And he said either way. But he ended up  chasing the bus which was in front of the traffic light and we finally went up the bus. Later we realized that we went up the wrong bus. Gosh! So to save our time, I took out the flyers from my bag and started to talk to the passengers in the bus.
Wow, I could hardly describe the kind of feeling by words. It was so wonderful when you were actually started to speak up and spread out the message to the people around you. I can really feel the changes of myself  then. The one of me 10 minutes ago and the one who took the wrong bus after 10 minutes.
Thanks man, I back to who am I, and I am still who I am.
Cool~~at least, I don't feel bad now. ^^

To Me

Q : How are you feeling today?

A : I'm not doing good today! I'm not in a good mood today!

Q : What happened, my dear?

A : Someone fuck up my work. They kept repeated the same mistakes every month. I asked them for    explanation, and they admitted that it was their fault. But what, to the client, we are the one who made mistakes over and over again. What can I do to solve this problem? I have no idea what is the next step and what would be the win win solution for client and us. Seriously, it's the time to review back their work wise, they are so called not professional at all, they will find all the excuses to get out from this. And out of sudden, I would be blamed as the one who made the mistakes! What?! I really hate them! From the top to the bottom, I hate them! Damn, I hope I have the strength all the time, I have the patience to deal with them. Please stop doing any mistakes! Please never ever try to challenge my limits! I'm so nervous and so tired of all this issues!

Q : Do you think you did wrong? If not, why are you nervous?

A : Everything that I provided was correct. Yes, I admit that I'm careless sometimes, may be the so call alignment were not made to the left, but could this be the issue for you to call the wrong numbers? I'm nervous because I have the full responsibility on this task and I was the only one who know this task better. I'm so stressed for certain time of period. I have nobody to assist me on this though this is not a big deal. But somehow, I wish there is someone to help me out or may be understand what I am talking when I have problem with the task. Well, I'm fine, I finished up my complaining, let's continue working!

Q : Cool~~So, you know what to do yaa?

A : At the moment, I have no idea on what to do yet. Will see later.

Life is full of uncertainty, when you think you have do the best, may be someone do not think so. Don't worry, be confident in the way you do, be assured on the things you do, let's move forward! They will definitely see your hard work clearly!

Phei Szi, fighting! I believe you will have the strength and wisdom to undergo all this uncertainty and to surmount all the obstacles that you face!
Looking forward to see a successful you in front of me.
Smile always and be the one who always bring hope to the people around you. Make it happen!
Cheers!

It's just a Beginning

Finally, I had came to the day. The day that I waited for so long.
It was kind of mix feeling for me to have my own Gohonzon.
I was struggling in within my heart before and after I received Gohonzon on 1st of April.
You would never know how I felt in the past few weeks if you were not me.
There were so many problems bothered me, and yes, this is part of them.

May be deep in your heart, you would ask "Why are you decided to enshrine your own Gohonzon?" or "What made you to have such decision?" or "What is your resolution after enshrine your Gohonzon?"

Of course, I have think of all those WHYs that appeared in your mind over and over again. One of the most crucial factor was that I wanted to have a long run in the path of Kosen Rufu, and I found out that this is the only way to keep me stay still with gakkai and to follow the teaching of Nichiren Daishonin for eternal life.

Initially, I'm so worried if I have that strong faith in practicing the Buddhism of Nichiren Daishonin.
I'm so frustrated if I'm good enough in doing my own human revolution.
I'm so upset if I have to organize the enshrinement ceremony all on my own.
I'm so guilty if I'm not attending the gakkai meetings in the future.
I'm so nervous if I'm not treating Gohonzon as my second life.
All the worries would actually cover the excitement in my inner heart.

Well, before the enshrinement ceremony, I was actually attended New EG training.
And I was awaken by the PIC in her welcoming speech.
The guidance was sounded like "Be clear with your own destination, be strong in your direction towards it, and never ever forget why are you choosing the path not taken. You might feel helpless sometimes, you might suffering at the half way of your journey, you might struggling to overcome all the obstacles, but please be brave, be strong and be confident throughout your journey. I believe in you, you will be the successor one day, you will achieve the great victory one day! Let's fight together!"

I was inspired again. It was such a long time I did not listen to such guidance. It was such a long time I have not been motivated. Any yes, it's the time for me to review on my own and to have a new start again.
All the negative thoughts which were deep in my heart or may be deep in my mind should be thrown away right now.

Well, it's not the end of the story of mine.
It's just a beginning!
Cheers!

The First 100% after 6 Months.

After the long journey we sailed through, finally our team achieved 100% for this month. A result that seemed impossible to achieve and yet we always hope to achieve in the past few months. And now, miracle happened, we made it happen! This was amazing! I would never forget the process that we strive through to achieve this, the different story behind each of everyone to fight for this target, the effort that everyone had put into to achieve this. It was so important that everyone should have the same target, and moving forwards in the same direction.

The single achievement of a team or project was actually mean a lot to the company. They knew, and they were even more excited than anyone of us in the team. They would actually give you a great surprised party as an encouragement for the great achievement. I was so touched when I found out that the director of the company who actually was the one planned for all the surprised for us. I was so lucky that I was one among this big family and I knew I would never experience this in any of the company out there. The warmest moment that they gave, the encouragement that they gave to boost up your spirit was so inspiring. The ended of the surprised party was actually forced me to say goodbye to March.

The appraisal that I had yesterday was actually reminded me again on my expectations towards the job, and yes, of course, it reminded me that the first quarter of this year had passed! Time flies, and time waits no one. Please wake up, Phei Szi! Please live for a fruitful life! Please do not wait a single minute anymore! Please work on something now!

March, a month which full of different feelings for me. I had gone through the saddest moment that I had ever felt before, the tiring moment ever, the stressful moment ever. You will never know how much time I was awake from sleep because of the grievousness. I, myself was so surprised when the first time it happened, I was awake from crying in the dream. I thought I was strong enough to accept all this thing happened, and later I realized that I'm not that strong actually. May be many of you still have doubt on me, why am I do not look sad, why can I still wear red shirt? What I can say is I did whatever I could when she was alive, I treated her the best than anyone of them, what I regretted was I did not have much time to be with her in the past. It's useless to show out your sadness or whatever after she gone. Stop judging me from my look or facial expression.

Whatever past had passed, life is still gong on. Let's move forward! Farewell my lovely March. I'm sorry to greet you late, APRIL! A month which is full of challenges! Fighting!

Specially for HER

After thinking for so long, I decided to write about her.

Thanks her for being part of my family, part of my life. 

Thanks her for giving me such a great Dad! 

Without her, I have no idea where will I be, who am I today!

Though sometimes I just felt dislike her short memory, which she kept calling me a wrong name, and kept talking to me in Hakka which I don't really understand, but what to do, I was still need to accept all this.

When time passes, and I grown up, she changed up in quite a sudden, she was able to call my name correctly, and she talked to me in Mandarin!

Though the same dishes would be served for every reunion dinner, but still, when everyone was sitting together and having the dinner together, no matter the dishes tasted salty or tasteless, we would still enjoy the dinner so much! Thanks her for making all the family members together.

I could not really imagine how would our reunion dinner be without her next year.

The last memory with her would be the day she attended my graduation ceremony, and she brought a bucket of flowers for me. I don't really remember whether I did thank her or not, I really regretted that I don't really serve her well on that day, I should bring her to walk around my university, the place that I survived for three years. I really thanked for coming in such a special and important day for me.

I still remembered that day, 9th of February, the day that the doctor diagnosed her was in the last stage of lung cancer. We were so surprised to know this! She got this without any symptoms! We had no idea on what to do, just be nice to her, gave her whatever she wanted, did whatever she wanted us to do.

Time flies, I received the news of her death after one month, 8th of March.

The seconds that I got the call, I told myself, this was the best way for her, and this was what I always pray for her, "let her go when it's the time for her, let her suffer the least". My prayer was finally answered. Though we were hard to accept this, but we were still need to accept. Life must goes on.

I stayed calm for the time when I received news till now, but what I got from friends was why aren't you feeling sad? Are you close to her? You are cold blood! I don't see a drop of tears drop out from your eyes!

Yes, I am feeling sad. But do I really need to show out my sad face for everyone to see?

I was crying over and over again when I knew she was suffering from the lung cancer.

What I would say is when you know more about death, you would not grieve on this anymore. This is just a part of the cycle of life. We should feel happy for her, at least she suffered the least. Do you know how much suffer when you could not breath and need to depend on the machine to get oxygen and help you to breath? I know this! This is really suffering! Do you know how sad she was when she lied on the bed and could not move, talk and eat anymore?

I already expected that she would left us very soon when I last visited her in the hospital Segamat one week before her death. She was calling us back just to see us for the last time. Seriously I felt so sad when I saw her on the bed, can't even talk to me a single word. The last word that I heard from her was "It was late already, please go back to KL and work. Drive safe."

Thanks for walking into my life, though not much memories we had together, but still I appreciate everything from you!

No worries, I will keep everything fresh in mind.

I will make you be proud of me!

Thanks grandma!

R.I.P

Random Feeling

Well, I had a long time didn't write any blog. Just suddenly feel like I want to write down something at this time, at this moment.

I'm suppose to face the books for the whole day, but I ended up with facing laptop screen for the whole day.
Just couldn't find up what was happening to myself. Just feel like study life is no longer belong to me. I don't even have the mood to start up reading the first paragraph of the notes. Just thinking of giving up all the time. I'm always asking myself, why am I choosing this path? And why am I so easily to give up?

My mind keep on thinking Chinese New Year. Ohh..damn, how can I switch on CNY mood before switching on study mood.

Okay, at this time, I don't really have any mood to study, all my mind is full of You, You and You..
My dear friends, I'm so missing you guys. Can't wait any single minute to meet with you all. Arrhhh...How I wish you all are right in front me and chit chatting with me.

Well, PS, please get back to the reality, stop dreaming and get back to your study!! Ganbatte!!You can do it!!